Welp… that’d be 35 years in a row now that I forgot to get “Bikini Bod Ready” for summer. Just gonna call it a day on that one I rekon and perhaps tweak my social media feeds so I never read THAT phrase again. #fuckoffinstagraminfluencers 

Admittedly, like most women, whether you’re skinny or fat, short, or tall; potato shaped or carrot shaped; big boobs, no boobs; fadoobalas, or twiggy arms, we all have some kind of existential wardrobe crisis when the weather starts to change. I had one the other day because it was 30 degrees and I forgot how to dress myself. 

I know I’m not alone here….we all stare at our wardrobe full of clothes wondering what the hell we wore last year? I tell you what I wore…. about the same 5 outfits on rotation and all the other crap hanging up is classified into groups of “might wear that again one day”, “might fit into that again one day”, “I love that dress I go nowhere to wear” and “I paid a shit tonne for that so I can’t possibly throw it away even though I’ll never wear it again”. 

The pressure to “get ready for summer” was lost on me years ago. I’m not ever summer ready. I live in denial that it will come. Summer doesn’t like me and I don’t like summer. I’m not from these parts. I’m a decendant of Irish and Scottish folk. I think there’s German in there too somewhere and perhaps part vampire because I react to the blaring sun in quite a similar fashion. 

Please summer… stay away. Besides the killer magpies, Spring is fine. Let’s leave it there shall we? Who needs summer? There’s so much not to like. Plus, the thought of having to consider shaving the 6 inches of leg I show in public is just too much right now. After all I only shave my legs for the lady who does my pedicure and when it’s sheet change day, neither of which hap­pens often enough. 

For all you summer loving people, enjoy the impending warmer weather and time in the sun… for it will end and the world will be as it should be once more. Overcast and under 25 degrees. 

M